| You know what just blows my mind? All the crap that I do...all the wrong, sinful stuff...He's still there for me. He still loves me. I don't understand how people, including myself, underestimate Christ and His love for us. It seems to me that every time I fall, He's standing there, waiting to help me up. How crazy.
The backdrop of my life has been cloudy lately. I'm struggling, and there's a battle taking place for me, good vs. evil...and the worst part is, I can't tell which side is which. I don't know what is real and what isn't...I can't decipher all of the COMPLETELY different "signs" I'm getting, one leading to one thing, the other leading to something the exact opposite...and so, all I can do is hit the floor and give it to Him. I try to do all of this stuff on my own...I don't know why. It's not for any honorable reason or anything...it's just how I typically am.
There are so many people that I want to help right now. Three or four weigh heavily on my mind, and it's killing me. They're so lost, so confused. I just want to take them by the shoulders and tell them it'll all be ok...and make it ok. But the thing is, I need it too. Everyone needs it from time to time. Why is it that love tends to be given more, when we need it more? Of course, there are also the people who withdraw and act angry and bitter, who are craving and needing love. Why do I only show love and caring, when I, myself, am in need of some? It'd make an interesting psychology investigation, I'm sure.
I find myself searching for something, I'm not sure what it is, in my sleep. Like, desperately and blindly trying to find this person, place, or thing. Last night I dreamed I was running as fast as I could in the pitch black, screaming someone's name...it's always very disturbing. I'm a firm believer in our dreams, and their meaning something...but what could this possibly mean? I don't know.
I visited Gardner-Webb the other day, and I absolutely LOVED it. I very well may go there, but I'm going to visit a few times this fall, as well as a few other places, to become better acquainted. I loved the buildings at Gardner-Webb...they looked like the ones at Carolina. (And most of you know how I love Carolina!) Anyway, I also like that they have no dress code, or hair code...mostly because I like a scruffy man. Hahahaha. (I'm registered at LU for now)
I really need some girlfriends....feeling like I don't have that girlfriend I can talk to, since my "girlfriends" turned out to...well...not be. I miss the companionship of having a boyfriend, too, and yet I wouldn't go back with "him" for a million dollars. Well, maybe for a million dollars...for a day. MAYBE. They should have personals ads for friends, instead of boyfriends and girlfriends. The worst part is, Nick, who's been one of my best friends for a few years now, is leaving for Kentucky in a couple of weeks. I don't know what I'm going to do. He doesn't believe that I feel this way...I think he thinks everyone will get over him being gone within a couple of days...but it's just not the case. I keep fearing this year, like a coward, fearing the loneliness, the hardships...I'm just going to have to muster up all the courage in my being, and borrowing some from God, quite frankly, and trudge forward. A lot of people are a LOT worse off than myself. I just have to keep thinking about that, and try to help those people. I'm low on the priority list, and that's best.
Anyway, somehow, this turned into some long, psychotic rant. For those of you who read it, I applaud you. Now go take your percoset. |
